Going Home

Last week Monday I came home to prepare for my daughter's arrival and I would say that I was beyond excited. Given all of her equipment I had to set her up in the dinning room, but, I had the place looking nice...went and gotten some pretty wall stickers and move the room around. Didn't even stop cleaning until around 1.

The next morning I wiped down the wall and was about to mop when I gotten the phone call. She passed away. My daughter is was dancing with Jesus. Even all now I dont believe that she is gone, it dont feel real. I feel like I just left her in Ann Arbor to come back to take care of some business. I feel lost without her and I miss seeing her face. I miss being annoyed because she follows me  around the house. I miss seeing the excitement on her face when her favorite movie or tv show is on. But I know it would be selfish of me to want her here to suffer and to be in pain.

Missing you very much Aniya...I will always love you and is very grateful to have you in my life. (I say have...because she will always be in my life even in spirit)... Rest In Heaven Aniya...

Misc things part 1

There is a lot of things bothering me and I just dont know how to express my feelings without them sounding harash.

1) I feel like im going threw something and instead of people supporting me or us supporting each other, I am telling them to that everything will be okay. How can I have a moment if everyone is depending on me to strong for them?!?
2) I needed you, I called you, you told me you were coming then you went on vacation.

The second one, some people might take it personal but this is how I feel and I dont need anyone to agree on my feelings. Especially if your quick to jump to defense than to understand why I feel the way that I do. 

3) How is it that when I go home people look at me like I need to call first?!? Asking me questions like "hey you ddidnt tell me you were coming or what are you doing here, how long your going to be here?" **Mind you I do know these questions isnt meant to make me feel like a strange but they do because I am.** Since February I have been with my daughter in the hospital and in two days it will be June, but, its not okay to go threw my things.  Not silly stuff like the refrigerator or even my room, but can you please have enough consideration to ask me first before going threw my clothes, shoes and mail.  Well at least tell me first before I see all the damn evidence all up on instagram, twitter and Facebook.  :-)

4) Im sharing too much space and I have no place to go just to have a moment alone.

5) What's going to happen next?!?

At this very moment I am tired, my upper back by my shoulders hurt. Why must folks asks me questions all day long?!? When does a parent get a chance to breath?!? Why cant they see I am only human and I just want to sit and be with my children.  Leave us alone.

Lord,

Im sorry for waking up and complaining because you have given me so much to be grateful for. Every day that Aniya is here is a blessing and Nyiell as well.  Thank you for people my family in my life to help me with Nyiell. Thank you for loving me flaws and all. And I ask would you please to continue to watch over all of my family mom and dad side, Nigel and his family. Oh yeah and little Mia and family too. You know what their prayers are no need for me to put their business out there. Please give us all strength.

Amen

**Im sure I have grammical and spelling errors, so there is no need to point any of them out. Thanks in advance**

Going Home

Some parents have it easy. Some parents have it hard.  Either way it never easy to watch your child pass away. What does it means to make your child "comfortable"?!? Do you take away all the medicines and keep them heavily sedated in hopes that they is not in any pain? How do you know that your making the right choice? Do you ever give up hope?!? Well I would never give up hope...but for the pass 3 weeks I have been watching my daughter pass away and wonder one of those questions every 10 mins.

Earlier today the palliative care team suggested going down on the breathing rate on her ventilator for a more "natural" death I was at lost for words. How could I live with myself knowing I had a hand in the passing away of my daughter? Mind you understand that some parents have to make those difficult decisions but I cant do it. Or can I? Am I making her suffer because I am selfish and wants her to be here with me a little while longer?

Lord please just give me strength to keep going threw this battle with her. Lord please give me a sign so I know what to do? Lord, I know your always in the healing business and if you see fit for her to be here then she will be here. I just dont know what to do Lord and if your calling her home to You than I understand that as well and will do my best to not question you because I know she will finally be able to be a kid. A kid free to enjoy life and I know one day we will all meet again. 

Tears

Having kids can be such a joy and pain. Yes I said it pain...but not the kind you think. Its never easy to see your kids go threw any types of pain especially the kind that they have to go through on their own. Like if your child has a bully at school. Its only so much you can do without catching a case because you caused harm to someone's else child. Or pain from their first heartbreak.

It hurts my soul to see my kids in pain. I would gladly trade places with them if I could.

But what if your child is sick like mine.  No one knows why or even how to fix the health problems that she has. She was born with congenital heart failure,  stomach issues and even two holes in her frontal lobes in her brain. 3 heart surgeries, numerous surgical procedures, stomach surgery and 3 days ago she had a tracheostomy done. The doctors say she has no more options. She doesnt qualify for a heart transplant or even ecmo. I feel like im constantly falling and I can't get up and its not even about me. My every other thought is about me losing her...but I can already see her getting ready to go to her prom. I always thought it was weird that whenever I daydreamed about her going to the prom that I didn't picture her as a young lady but as my little girl.

Im worried about how all of this affecting my son. Him and her is two peas in a pod, always there for each other. How do I tell him that his best friend is sick? How do I be strong for him when im ready to crumble? What if he don't understand? 

A whole bunch of what ifs...I just want the tears to stop falling.

RELATIONSHIPS

There is so many different kind of relationships in the world, but they all hurt the same when the connection is lost. Some times its hard to see someone your close to go threw heartache because you want to help them but don't quite know what words to say. Then sometimes you see your pain you been threw in theirs.

My first heartache i felt like my world was coming to an end. At first i didn't want to believe that anything was going on, but threw his own lips the truth was confirmed. Then your mind have so many questions: Am i not good enough? What did I do wrong? How could he do something like this to us? How can you just give up on a person that you once said that you loved almost ever day? What changed your feelings for me? And the list goes on.

Its never easy being rejected by someone that you love so much. Even for me it is hard for me to forget about the way it happened, but i forgave him in order for us to build a better relationship. Which is hard because there is times i look at him and i just want to smash his face, but, i just think of a happier moment that we shared. At the end of the day the only thought i still have is: is he settling with me because he knows that I will always be there?!?

Hmmm

What would you do if you gotten caught cheating?!? Would you deny the whole thing, would you beg for forgiveness, or would you just leave the person your with for new person in your life?!? I think that if i am cheating that i would i ask forgiveness, but then the question comes why am i apologzing?!? Am I apoligzing because I am still cheating or because I have gotten caught?!?

In my past life whenever i was in a relationship I cheated because the person that I was with was cheating on me, and, in my mind that meant that you no longer care for or about me. So if you do not care for me then why should i care for you anymore.

With my first relationship I didnt expect for it to last forever, i think i was just in rush to do the monkies business. Which was weird by the way....was so inexperienced...haha. But long story short i went to his house one day and he says the worst thing a person can say to you when your in a relationship, "lets be friends".....arrrrggggghhhhhhh. When did you realize that before or after you took my cherry?!? The nerves of some people. Thinking back on it, I should had kicked his ding dong. But no regrets. That's life you, you live and you supposedly learn.

One Way Or Another

Entry number ONE;

As a mother of two beautiful kids I have a hard time understanding why it is that they want to be around me sooo much. I often wonder...'hmmm. was i overly emotional while i was pregnant, or was i needy for attention'...but i am leaning more on the second thought because my kids follow me into the bathroom. {Can't even poop in peace}.

Any who, this blog will not be about me complaining about my lack of personal space because i choose to spread my legs without a condom...not once but twice, as of this moment I am unsure of what this blog will be about.

As of the moment, it is 12:57am and I am sleepy but i much rather enjoy the peace and quiet. And lately I have not been able to sleep. Its like my mind wakes me up with all these thoughts and childhood memories. Maybe I have unresolved issues, but who doesn't?!? But mind do haunt me alot more lately than it has been. I wonder if it has something to do with my great aunt passing away on Wednesday morning?!?

Question after question, thought after thought. I'm thinking that i am going to stop here and find a netflick movie to "flick the bean too" or at least think about it...I hate being in the red...what a finger blocker...